never again.

at about 320 today at work, i ran to the bathroom and sat down and cried for about ten minutes. i flashed back to that one time, at harlan-kendrick, many, many years ago where i ran to the bathroom there, and sat down on the floor, and not cried, no, that doesnt even come close to describing it, more like sobbed, for ten straight minutes. it's a very terrifying feeling when you physically, and emotionally, cannot feel ANYTHING within yourself, you feel hollow, literally empty.

thats kinda the feeling im having. its weird having experienced the same feeling, many years ago, and it's one that i never, ever wanted to feel again.

ive been in love with one man (jon, see the first paragraph). ive had many flings, random hookups, semi-relationships, half-boyfriends, one very hot and forbidden love affair (where i did use the word love, but found out later i didnt really mean it) and now this. now it's paul. we've been close friends since march, and ever since he met me, he pursued a relationship with me. i just wanted to stay friends, i wasnt attracted to him, and i was scared at how forward he was being. it was all too much for me. i couldnt handle it. i hadnt been close to someone since jon, and while i am completely over him, i wasnt sure i was ready to actually BE in a real relationship again.

so he understood. and we remained friends. and were inseparable the last two months. we would occasionally hook up. we would talk every day. then he asked me again about a relationship, and i said no.

then last weekend happened. he took home another girl. i met another guy that night and didnt even care. i cried on/off all weekend. we saw each other twice after that happened (and we finally slept together) and i realized i wanted to be with him. i sent him a sweet note and seven roses (one for each month we've known each other). he has been quiet all day. non-responsive. terse. doesnt return emails.

i dont get it. and you know what, maybe i never will, and thats okay. i just dont see the point in opening my heart, and letting someone in, a RARE thing that i never, ever, EVER do, and getting stomped on. by a person i didnt think could do that. b/c he's too nice and great and good of a person.

everyones like 'he's in shock, dont worry.' i dont even care. i know i am a total and complete crazy person when it comes to over-thinking and over-analyzing, but you cant blame me for wanting a little bit of sweetness after roses and a note, professing my real feelings (which he's been practically BEGGING me to do since we became friends).

so i'm done. he could throw the roses away for all i care. another eerie similiarity - and of course its on fri the 13th, go figure - when jon went to italy, and i realized he was the one, but it was too late, and i wrote him 87 pages (seriously, no joke, an 87 page long love letter) telling him every little single thing i felt.... he was the one... i realized it, finally... he returned home, talked about marrying me, and then vanished. never saw the letters, and married someone else.

this is kind of the same thing. there is another girl in paul's life who he's known for 2 weeks. so i hope he chooses her. im done with relationships. or whatever you call them. im going back to my mindless, thoughtless hook-ups. the pain is there, too, afterwards, but not as intense as this. not even close.