svedka vodka is f*ing good - part 2

sometimes coming down from a buzz can be a really good thing. (although svedka vodka is so orgasmic, it makes you never want to stop feeling so good) this crash can be beneficial in terms of how it makes you feel, and what it causes you to realize. on tuesday night, just hearing thirty seconds of a song was enough to sober me up and help me reach an epiphany.

of course it had to do with him. i felt the world crushing me as i remembered years ago, his feelings for her, such a cold-hearted bitch, and her lack of emotion/feelings towards him. and then our situation, seemingly the opposite, though at the beginning, he felt something for me. maybe for a half a year he did? i dont know what to call the last four years, but it definitely wasnt genuine care/affection. maybe a bad habit is a better way of wording it.

anyway i dont want to talk about it anymore. it really hurt then. still does, but i just dont like recalling that time. where this guy actually FELT SO STRONGLY for someone, who didnt like him back. ha, i guess i can relate to that --- i usually dont feel the same for guys who really, truly like me. i go for the guys who dont. why is that? is it just a challenge? do we really need all of this mystery? these hard-to-get attitudes, these senseless games?

ill never know.

so i went to bed at 2am, still a little drunk, listening to Sting's greatest hits, and hugged my pillow. i hate when i get sad. and thinking i need a guy. blame it on the booze.

so that was tuesday. now its FRIDAY.
im so freaking excited right now. in a few hours, ill have my ipod on, and ill be on the blue line, en route to o'hare, en route to sunny 90 degree weather, about to get out of this city and away from drama. a weekend without it will be nice. i cannot wait to just hug my parents and talk/eat/booze with them all weekend. it will be amazing. and i know ill continue to think about HIM (a different him... the nice guy... who i cant decide if i want to take a risk with...) and what our future might consist of. but i have this deep feeling, way down in the pit of my stomach, thats hard for me to admit out loud but easy to type. id be settling if i dated him. settling not in the sense that im taking whatevers out there, but settling for something less than butterflies. (damn sex & the city, get out of my head) but its true. he's a wonderful guy who treats me like a princess so why the fuck cant my heart skip and dance when i think about him?

ill never know.