my dream last night.

so i have about five - ten pages of copy to write for two different websites, and yet what am i doing? still thinking about last night's dream and trying to figure out what it means.

it was so odd. *all names will be changed to protect the innocent.* i was on some sort of group date with people who i can't remember right now, except this graphic designer at work. let's call him ED to be funny. i am not attracted to this person at all so i am not sure why i imagined that we started dating. well, we just got assigned a branding project together. and we had a meeting yesterday. so that's probably why he made an appearance.

anyhoo, he asked me if i was his girlfriend or something like that (ah-ha! this can be traced last night to the movie i watched with rae, how to lose a guy in 10 days... there's a part towards the end where he asks kate hudson 'andie' to go to a party with him as his 'girlfriend') and then ED went on to confirm 'ok, we are dating then?' and i agreed in the form of nodding my head or something like that. insignificant, right? no big deal.

well then LARRY comes along. and lol, if anyone knows who LARRY is in my life, he's a big deal. f*this, ill say his real name. ken! it was ken. he was in my dream last night. this is SO typical of my real life, b/c just as i start to move on, or develop a new crush, or heaven forbid DATE someone, ken always comes back. he haunts his way in, somehow. so this dream is actually pretty dead-on and i'm freaking out now as i type this... but back to the story... so ken somehow enters the scene and he doesnt look how he usually does... he's dressed differently, darker, and has some weird tattoos on his hands (i think both). i can't recall what they were exactly but they were definitely tattoos, something the ken in real life would never, ever do.

and i remember we are together in front of ED. and he's looking at me harshly, flashing dirty looks, b/c i had just agreed, hours, minutes, probably MOMENTS earlier that i would be his girlfriend. and ED is not too happy now that i'm with freaky tattoo boy. and we are sitting right in front of him. just sitting.

ken was affectionate in the dream, i think. not kissing/hugging, but we were just close. intimate. there was a sense that we had known each other forever and were finally happy being together. (in reality, we've known each other almost 5 years, and have never, EVER had anything CLOSE to a real, bonafide relationship.)

and i think more was about to happen and then i woke up. strange. i'm not really bothered by the fact that i dreamt i was dating a graphic designer i work with. nor am i irritated by ken's tattoos and new appearance. i'm angered by the fact that what i am desperately trying to get away from will never, ever get away from me. and that's HIM. no matter what i do or say or promise myself, it never fails. his presence in my life is unyielding. i always say to myself 'once i move on, it'll be over. i wont have to see him or text him or e-mail him. we'll be done.'

but if my dream last night was any inclination, any foreshadowing of the future, it seems that no matter what i do, even moving on to someone else, won't do the trick. am i that weak? am i destined to be single forever to have this half-assed relationship with a guy who i mean nothing to? just because that's how it's been for the past 3 or 4 years?

i sure hope not.