listen to your heart.

so much has happened since my last post that it's hard to put into words. so much of it is still running through my mind, and through my heart, but it's all good. SO good, in fact, that i can hardly remember the last time i was this happy. or was i ever this happy?

but we are finally together. and i think that's all that matters. all the heartache, and the sleepless nights, and the tears, and the doubts - every second, every minute of all those horrible moments - it was all worth it. to finally BE with him, i'd do it all over again. i'd go through all of the pain. i'd sacrifice every good moment to relive the bad ones...

life is good. to say the very least.

a lot is on the horizon for this new year, and with him by my side, i think i can accomplish anything. right now i'm looking forward to plans (plans! who would have ever imagined i'd get excited about planning for things, be it bar nights, movie nights, running errands, everything is just so new/so great, it's unbelievable) that include vacations, a lot of social events and valentine's day (which he drunkenly brought up on saturday, i do wonder what we're going to do..). everything has happened so fast, i feel like i need to slow down, or get pinched and awoken from a dream... a dream that's so sweet, and too good and too real that it cant possibly BE real.

other than all of this sap, ive been focusing on my grad school application. going to hopefully send it off this week. and i've been working out. won't return to the gym until wednesday morning, but that's okay. as long as i go three days a week, and slowly work up to 4 or 5, i'm good.

well this day is over. the work part, anyway. now it's play time. *thought for another blog - reading past emails, remembering your past feelings and how you felt back then, so clear that you could practically re-live and re-experience everything - that's the power of words, the power of writing...the ability to re-craft real emotions and feelings...what other hobby/passion can do that?*

never again.

at about 320 today at work, i ran to the bathroom and sat down and cried for about ten minutes. i flashed back to that one time, at harlan-kendrick, many, many years ago where i ran to the bathroom there, and sat down on the floor, and not cried, no, that doesnt even come close to describing it, more like sobbed, for ten straight minutes. it's a very terrifying feeling when you physically, and emotionally, cannot feel ANYTHING within yourself, you feel hollow, literally empty.

thats kinda the feeling im having. its weird having experienced the same feeling, many years ago, and it's one that i never, ever wanted to feel again.

ive been in love with one man (jon, see the first paragraph). ive had many flings, random hookups, semi-relationships, half-boyfriends, one very hot and forbidden love affair (where i did use the word love, but found out later i didnt really mean it) and now this. now it's paul. we've been close friends since march, and ever since he met me, he pursued a relationship with me. i just wanted to stay friends, i wasnt attracted to him, and i was scared at how forward he was being. it was all too much for me. i couldnt handle it. i hadnt been close to someone since jon, and while i am completely over him, i wasnt sure i was ready to actually BE in a real relationship again.

so he understood. and we remained friends. and were inseparable the last two months. we would occasionally hook up. we would talk every day. then he asked me again about a relationship, and i said no.

then last weekend happened. he took home another girl. i met another guy that night and didnt even care. i cried on/off all weekend. we saw each other twice after that happened (and we finally slept together) and i realized i wanted to be with him. i sent him a sweet note and seven roses (one for each month we've known each other). he has been quiet all day. non-responsive. terse. doesnt return emails.

i dont get it. and you know what, maybe i never will, and thats okay. i just dont see the point in opening my heart, and letting someone in, a RARE thing that i never, ever, EVER do, and getting stomped on. by a person i didnt think could do that. b/c he's too nice and great and good of a person.

everyones like 'he's in shock, dont worry.' i dont even care. i know i am a total and complete crazy person when it comes to over-thinking and over-analyzing, but you cant blame me for wanting a little bit of sweetness after roses and a note, professing my real feelings (which he's been practically BEGGING me to do since we became friends).

so i'm done. he could throw the roses away for all i care. another eerie similiarity - and of course its on fri the 13th, go figure - when jon went to italy, and i realized he was the one, but it was too late, and i wrote him 87 pages (seriously, no joke, an 87 page long love letter) telling him every little single thing i felt.... he was the one... i realized it, finally... he returned home, talked about marrying me, and then vanished. never saw the letters, and married someone else.

this is kind of the same thing. there is another girl in paul's life who he's known for 2 weeks. so i hope he chooses her. im done with relationships. or whatever you call them. im going back to my mindless, thoughtless hook-ups. the pain is there, too, afterwards, but not as intense as this. not even close.

svedka vodka is f*ing good - part 2

sometimes coming down from a buzz can be a really good thing. (although svedka vodka is so orgasmic, it makes you never want to stop feeling so good) this crash can be beneficial in terms of how it makes you feel, and what it causes you to realize. on tuesday night, just hearing thirty seconds of a song was enough to sober me up and help me reach an epiphany.

of course it had to do with him. i felt the world crushing me as i remembered years ago, his feelings for her, such a cold-hearted bitch, and her lack of emotion/feelings towards him. and then our situation, seemingly the opposite, though at the beginning, he felt something for me. maybe for a half a year he did? i dont know what to call the last four years, but it definitely wasnt genuine care/affection. maybe a bad habit is a better way of wording it.

anyway i dont want to talk about it anymore. it really hurt then. still does, but i just dont like recalling that time. where this guy actually FELT SO STRONGLY for someone, who didnt like him back. ha, i guess i can relate to that --- i usually dont feel the same for guys who really, truly like me. i go for the guys who dont. why is that? is it just a challenge? do we really need all of this mystery? these hard-to-get attitudes, these senseless games?

ill never know.

so i went to bed at 2am, still a little drunk, listening to Sting's greatest hits, and hugged my pillow. i hate when i get sad. and thinking i need a guy. blame it on the booze.

so that was tuesday. now its FRIDAY.
im so freaking excited right now. in a few hours, ill have my ipod on, and ill be on the blue line, en route to o'hare, en route to sunny 90 degree weather, about to get out of this city and away from drama. a weekend without it will be nice. i cannot wait to just hug my parents and talk/eat/booze with them all weekend. it will be amazing. and i know ill continue to think about HIM (a different him... the nice guy... who i cant decide if i want to take a risk with...) and what our future might consist of. but i have this deep feeling, way down in the pit of my stomach, thats hard for me to admit out loud but easy to type. id be settling if i dated him. settling not in the sense that im taking whatevers out there, but settling for something less than butterflies. (damn sex & the city, get out of my head) but its true. he's a wonderful guy who treats me like a princess so why the fuck cant my heart skip and dance when i think about him?

ill never know.

svedka vodka is f*ing good - part 1

svedka vodka is f*ing good, but not as f*ing good as EFFEN black cherry vodka (mixed with diet or regular 7-up, and two cherries, it's hands-down my favorite cocktail).

i was exposed to it for the first time last nite. me, rae and mike polished off that svedka bottle and had a damn good time doing it. mixed with red bull, the three incredibly strong drinks i had shifted me into another world, and it was wonderful. we listened to both my 'drink' and 'slowdown' playlists on my ipod, with seinfeld on low volume in the background, and sang loudly (horribly off-key, our neighbors must love us now) and bonded. it was one of those classic nights of friendship and inebriation.

i am not an alcoholic (i know this because i have a friend who is one, and we are nothing alike when it comes to our booze habits) but i do so look forward to/savor the moment of when i capture the buzz. i love when my head begins to feel light, weightless, like i can remove it from my body. i love how warm i feel inside, like i'm falling in love or beaming with pride over an accomplishment. i love how my face lights up, my cheeks turn pink and my eyes glaze over. in this haze, i am able to see things more clearly, which doesn't make sense, but i go with it anyway, because it feels right and i always like what i see. i love how i feel skinnier and i love how i think. the world makes so much sense, and i take in everything from a fresh new perspective. i have KNOWLEDGE. i know why the world is the way it is! in fact, i could compare this heightened state to opening my eyes for the first time in my life, and seeing everything differently. sometimes better, sometimes worse, but it's always different.

and then i look in the mirror and think "wtf? i know i'm not this ugly." i hate how i transform after the first sip. usually after two drinks, i look cuter/more mischievous/more open/more affectionate. i have that glint in my eyes that SPELLS trouble. and then usually after 4+ drinks, i just look trashed. i look like i need to be rescued. or just put to bed.

ok, back to work. part 2 i will go into the devastation of coming down from this buzz. sometimes it's not so bad, but last night, it was bad. the thoughts that go on in my head sometimes ......

2 blogs in one

i had 208 entries in my live journal. im MS word, that translates into 174 pages. 174 pages. that's almost a novel. i actually probably have more than that, b/c i dont think live journal allowed me to copy and paste my private and/or friends only entries. i'll have to go back and check.

i'm back to thinking of how much writing i've done since i've started. The Closet was my first story, i believe it was 5 pages and written when i was in 4th grade. wouldnt it be awesome to compile every single typed/printed page into one Big BOOK? i'd have thousands, and thousands of words.

i'm inspired. i want to go home and find all of my stories from my fiction writing classes at columbia, and all of my old term papers, and just study them. i want to perfect my writer's 'voice' and i want to do more with my talent. i want to write a BOOK. i already have a title for it and have started it, but wouldnt it be awesome to actually FINISH it?

i wonder if my thoughts/ramblings (i.e. this blog, my live journal) could turn into a novel. people read memoirs, dont they? i know i do. im going to pick up one at borders after work today.

im not sure what is happening, but all i know is i feel energized and alive with my way with words more than ever before. i guess it's due to my job, since i get paid to do nothing else but write all day, and its inspired me to do more of my OWN writing.

~ ~ ~

here's a question/thought. what you value is determined by what you spend your money on. im going to close my eyes and try to remember what i've purchased this month:

subway (lunch)
scones & iced coffee
sex & the city dvds
booze
newspaper (ah-ha, i'm smart after all... though it was the sunday's sun-times, way too much information, and i only bought it for dad's book review ... ok, busted, i'm not smart.)
panera
bennigan's
toilet paper
lip gloss
pedicure
2 rings from kohl's
dry cleaning
GAS
birthday outfit from express (hey for 133 bucks, i better look DAMN good, from head to toe)
movie tickets to 'john tucker must die'
movie tickets to 'pulse' - i actually enjoy good cinema, i swear, these two movies are not proof of that, however.
a thursday night of booze at papa t's
jeans from gap
books

im not sure what i value anymore, but i DO know that it's more than 6 inch subs and bud light and filling up my ford escort. or is it?

the zsa zsa zu

ok so maybe i've been watching too much sex & the city. (an entire season - 4 dvds worth - usually every sunday... it's heaven never leaving the couch, try it sometime...) but that show has changed my life, probably in both good AND bad ways. i'm starting to think like the characters. i'm starting to think i AM one of the characters, or ALL of the characters. not good.

also not good: i'm using the show to shape my beliefs in men and relationships. of course, i have many, MANY of my own (probably too many, but that's because i'm a writer, and in reality, i really probably only have one or two main views/opinions, but i can exaggerate/tweak/manipulate/twist them, so those one or two views end up turning into a dozen or more different ideas/truths on what a real man should be, and a real relationship consists of), BUT i am finding that SATC's are slowly over-taking my own. or adding to them.

in any case, it's an explosive, chaotic circle and at the end of the day, it's hard to know what i really feel. one thing has always remained true/certain though: the zsa zsa zu. YES, it's a sex & the city term, but it goes by other, more commonplace names, too. butterflies. your heart pounding or skipping. your throat falling to your stomach. your eyes glazing over. the jitters. more accelerated heart beats. sweaty palms. nervous laughter.

THE START OF LOVE.

or, at the very least, LUST.

it's required in any healthy, real (what's real?) relationship. it's the stuff that makes 'em last. for a night, a month, two years, or forever. If you don't have that connection, that utterly deep aching feeling, your relationship is doomed. or it will just be hella boring.

i'm beginning to think that the zsa zsa zu, for me anyway, comes a lot when i drink. last night, for example, i had a few beers. (and yes, just a few - 2 at the bar) with this guy who i go back and forth with, do i like him more than a friend, or not? i spend hours with him sober, and there's no butterflies. but at the sox game a few weeks ago, after countless beers and shots, i found myself wrapped up in his arms, making out with him, feeling warm and happy. the zsa zsa zu or the alcohol?

i enjoy his company. i love his e-mails, phone calls and text messages. i smile when i think about him. but we've never had sex. and the thought of having it kind of... well... gross me out a bit. so that's a clear sign i'm NOT attracted to him. so i guess it really does come down to alcohol - a liquid poison that has the power to alter your thoughts and change your mind... how evil is that! it tricks you to thinking one thing, and then laughs at you the next morning when you wake up, shake your head in regret and ask yourself 'what in the world was i thinking?'

one day, i hope to blame the zsa zsa zu on that ... and not the alcohol.

my dream last night.

so i have about five - ten pages of copy to write for two different websites, and yet what am i doing? still thinking about last night's dream and trying to figure out what it means.

it was so odd. *all names will be changed to protect the innocent.* i was on some sort of group date with people who i can't remember right now, except this graphic designer at work. let's call him ED to be funny. i am not attracted to this person at all so i am not sure why i imagined that we started dating. well, we just got assigned a branding project together. and we had a meeting yesterday. so that's probably why he made an appearance.

anyhoo, he asked me if i was his girlfriend or something like that (ah-ha! this can be traced last night to the movie i watched with rae, how to lose a guy in 10 days... there's a part towards the end where he asks kate hudson 'andie' to go to a party with him as his 'girlfriend') and then ED went on to confirm 'ok, we are dating then?' and i agreed in the form of nodding my head or something like that. insignificant, right? no big deal.

well then LARRY comes along. and lol, if anyone knows who LARRY is in my life, he's a big deal. f*this, ill say his real name. ken! it was ken. he was in my dream last night. this is SO typical of my real life, b/c just as i start to move on, or develop a new crush, or heaven forbid DATE someone, ken always comes back. he haunts his way in, somehow. so this dream is actually pretty dead-on and i'm freaking out now as i type this... but back to the story... so ken somehow enters the scene and he doesnt look how he usually does... he's dressed differently, darker, and has some weird tattoos on his hands (i think both). i can't recall what they were exactly but they were definitely tattoos, something the ken in real life would never, ever do.

and i remember we are together in front of ED. and he's looking at me harshly, flashing dirty looks, b/c i had just agreed, hours, minutes, probably MOMENTS earlier that i would be his girlfriend. and ED is not too happy now that i'm with freaky tattoo boy. and we are sitting right in front of him. just sitting.

ken was affectionate in the dream, i think. not kissing/hugging, but we were just close. intimate. there was a sense that we had known each other forever and were finally happy being together. (in reality, we've known each other almost 5 years, and have never, EVER had anything CLOSE to a real, bonafide relationship.)

and i think more was about to happen and then i woke up. strange. i'm not really bothered by the fact that i dreamt i was dating a graphic designer i work with. nor am i irritated by ken's tattoos and new appearance. i'm angered by the fact that what i am desperately trying to get away from will never, ever get away from me. and that's HIM. no matter what i do or say or promise myself, it never fails. his presence in my life is unyielding. i always say to myself 'once i move on, it'll be over. i wont have to see him or text him or e-mail him. we'll be done.'

but if my dream last night was any inclination, any foreshadowing of the future, it seems that no matter what i do, even moving on to someone else, won't do the trick. am i that weak? am i destined to be single forever to have this half-assed relationship with a guy who i mean nothing to? just because that's how it's been for the past 3 or 4 years?

i sure hope not.